Don't Get Lazy: Google Giggles

by Sam Mantell

"We here at Google are pleased to ring in the New Year of 2012 with our latest convenience, GoogleTime! Now, you can take your time with you. GoogleTime syncs easily across all platforms and mobile devices so you can stay in the loop

· Use it as a tool - GoogleTime is more than a simple scheduling mechanism; it’s a tool. If you need more time in a day, our Expansion Pack can help you. Time will perform a comprehensive analyzation of how your day is spent. Based on data gathered over time, Time will make suggestions about how to distribute your time more evenly between the various tasks a day holds.

· Forget your memory -With GoogleTime, you can process more information. With our Memory Catcher, you don’t have to worry about processing information as it comes to you. The memory catcher compiles all of your sensory input and stores it on a card, which you can dump at the end of the night, before bed. Ever feel like you’re wasting your time with dreams? The memory catcher downloads your dreams and converts them to an .mov. They’re ready for you to watch on your iPad over coffee in the morning.

· Filter out the bad stuff- With our customizable filters, you can decide which of the effects of time you’d like to sidestep, and which ones you want to take advantage of. Parents, speed up the realization that your kids are just like you were at their age. Kids, skip emo !

Most importantly, with GoogleTime, you can keep track of what time it is no matter the time of day. Never miss a second. We think you’ll find this product extremely useful. You can delete any information you’re not comfortable with having on GoogleTime. If you change your mind, just retrieve it from the Cloud.

We like GoogleTime because as you become more familiar with, the less control you’ll need to have over it. Eventually you'll have to use little-to-no brain power to get through the day. Let us know what you think!"

GoogleTime is not a real thing. Don't freak out. But, you know, be on the lookout.

Google Giggles

by Dan Greco

Follow @DVGreco

In 2004, Google Labs began development of a program as a component of their search engine that utilized keywords to make suggestions. The suggestions were mainly based on popular previous searches of Google users. It was designed to save time and facilitate the correction process for spelling errors. In 2008, the program was complete and ready for launch. I remember thinking how brilliant it was, but now I’m just realizing how funny it can be.

Using a few common question openers, I tested the waters of the suggestion database. I then chose a few of the top suggestions (and added my personal commentary).

"What is the..."

...Scientific Method?- This was at the very top? Since no one older than a 6^th grader cares, I assume our education system is failing.
...Illuminati?- I Learned something new: it is a name given to secret conspiracy groups. I should ask Google how to get into one!
...Meaning of Life?- Did you seriously just ask Google that? This proves how many people are convinced Google is God.
...Constitution?- At first I thought you’d have to be a complete moron to ask Google that. But then realized you’re probably an immigrant… My bad. Welcome to America!

"How do you..."

...Know? -I tried not to laugh, but failed. As the number one result, this proves how many girls have romance anxiety.
...Take a screen shot?-Pull the trigger of gun that is directed at a screen. *
...Get pink eye?- Eww, you got pink eye!?!?
...Multiply fractions?- Answer: go to elementary school

"How do you make..."

...French toast?- Mmmm…Want want to smoke and go to IHOP?
...A heart on Facebook?- On the brightside, at least you have “Facebook” friends.
...Out?- I applaud the adolescents who searched this to proactively step up their game...and quietly laugh at the others.

"How to survive..."

...An earthquake?- Stop, drop, and roll…right?
...Middle school?- No joke here. That’s really messed up. My Suggestion: Work hard to get into a good college then you can bully the bullies with your paychecks.
...A long distance relationship?- Answer: chronic masturbation and quality porn.

"How to give a..."

...A Hickey?- Nikki Janson could show you before Google will tell you…she made me look like I was strangled by a UFC fighter.
...Give a flu shot?- Uh, watch the medical nurses that gives it to you. Do people really do that on their own? I wonder if Google knows how I can give myself a colonoscopy too.
... Yourself a black eye?- HAHAHA! My favorite suggestion ever. Thanks for the laugh Google!
...A foot massage?- Sounds like there are a lot of whipped hubbies out there.

"Where are my..."

...Keys?- LMAO! Imagine Google replies, “In the couch cushion.”
...Favorites?- Seriously? If you know how to bookmark/favorite something, how do you not know where to find them!?!?! Kinda defeats the purpose.
...Student Loans?- Probably right next to your keys. #dumbass

"Who is the..."

...Richest man in the world?- Learned something new: Carlos Slim Helu…this obese Mexican is worth $63.3billion…or 659,237,558,811,069,696,969,696,800,ABC,777 in Pesos.
...Next bachelor?- I am. And I, along with other handsome men, will never ever date any girl who searched this or watches the show… Catch 22.
...T-Mobile girl?- FINALLY, a quality search engine question! Carly Foulkes is a cutie, but I still miss Catherine Zeta Jones.

"Why do guys..."

... Have nipples?- HAHA…Uh, I dunno…but the blame is on 7^th grade health curriculum
...Like Asian girls?- BAHAHA…Answer: every guy has their own unique reason
...Cheat?- Because hot sluts like guys with girlfriends?
...Get boners?- Only because existence depends on it…not a big deal or anything..

"Why girls..."

...Play hard to get?- Answer: she wants you to want her. Oldest trick in the book. Talk to another girl right in front of her…cha-ching)
...Don’t fart? (False: Hot girls fart because God knows we don’t care)
...Don’t like me? (Because you are insecure enough to ask Google)
...Like Twilight? (Dude, WHO CARES? Let them have their chick time so we can watch football.)
...Don’t text back?- Because its 4am, you are being creepy, and they know you’re drunkenly trying to “get it in.”

I can’t believe #5 results didn’t suggest a certain sexual performance from a girl to a guy. Maybe Google
knows I’m a straight guy and wouldn’t dare suggest such a thing to me? Interestingly, if you add “do”
between “Why” and “girls” for #9, all that Google suggests is why girls bleed from their vaginas. So I
encourage you, to take a look at the suggestions when you ask Google questions in the future. You
may be curious enough to learn something new or get a great laugh out of the stupid stuff that people
actually want to know.

* Editor's Note: I wasn't sure if I should laugh at this myself, nor did I know what it meant. So I left it in there.

Don't Get Lazy

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